one of everything and a diet coke

meet julie k. schenecker, who was arrested in tampa, florida for killing her two teenage children who “talked back” and were “mouthy”.

she is accused of shooting her 13 year old son, beau, on the way to his soccer practice, and her 16 year old daughter, calyx, while she was studying at her computer.

tiger mom seems pretty laid back now, doesn’t she.

if you love angry birds, and you love poop, then look no further, the prodigies over at Apps Genius bring you, ANGRY TURDS:

birds and pigs are so last year. poop-bas, bananas, monkeys, coconuts and turds are what’s hot for 2011.

the story of a 14 year old girl in South Wales having a baby is a bit shocking. but not when you realize that her dad is 29…and that her grandma is 47…and that her great grandmother is still alive…oh and that her great great grandmother is still kickin too.

apparently young parenthood runs in this family.

is how much diddy is being sued for by a 23-year old one night stand, valerie joyce wilson turks.

she is claiming that he:

1. is responsible for the 9/11 world trade center attacks.

2. fathered a son with her. her son’s name is cornelius and he’s 23 years old now. (note: ms. turks is 31 years old)

3. based on #2, it can be inferred that she is calling diddy a child molester.

4. owes her $900 billion in child support and $100 billiion in damages.

additionally, she has cited rodney king and kim porter in her suit.

you know, it’s about time someone took diddy down a peg or two with a completely believeable and non-frivolous lawsuit. team val.

it’s a phrase that’s become popular amongst my friends. the mental image conjured of someone eating a steaming plate of doodie elicits uncontrollable laughter. always.  little did we know, this phrase actually rings scientifically true.

okay, it’s not completely true. don’t go heat up a bowl of poo just yet. but according to studies, fecal implants are all the rage when it comes to curing the intestinal infection, Clostridium difficile. 

c.diff causes excruciating diarrhea (think: your every day, run of the mill, post-indian, tenacious diorama and multiple it by 10) and is estimated to affect 250,000 americans each year.  it’s generally treated with powerful antibiotics, however, those antibiotics kill both good and bad bacteria, leaving your intestines ripe for a second round of infection.

if antibiotics don’t relieve your burning asshole, it’s time to consider fecal implants. here’s how it works:

1. donor ingests stool softener and takes a giant dump in a travel-safe container.

2. implantee brings the contained doodie to his/her gastroenterologist.

3. gastroenterologist mixes the doodie with saline, creating a milkshake-like consistency.

4. chocolate milkshake is pumped into the implantee’s colon via a colonoscope or endoscope, or siphoned into the stomach via a nasogastric tube.

5. voila! implantee has just been injected with a mega probiotic that will repopulate his/her intestines with the “good” microorganisms. so, c. diff out.

if you’re too shy or embarrassed to share your c. diff problem with your doctor, then you might consider mike silverman’s how-to on self-administered fecal implants.

either way, don’t forget to eat your doodies.

top five deaths of 2011, as predicted on new year’s eve:

1. charlie sheen

2. someone in the bush family

3. michael douglas

4. lindsay lohan

5. charlie sheen

we were pretty adamant that charlie sheen is gonna kick it this year. and so far, lookin’ good…

via the daily beast:

Charlie Sheen was taken out of his home on a stretcher this morning and rushed to the hospital, TMZ reports. Although his rep said was suffering from severe abdominal pains, TMZ later reported Sheen allegedly had a “briefcase full of cocaine” delivered to his home. The site also reported Sheen partied with several people in his house—including two porn stars—for 36 hours prior to the 911 at 6:35 a.m. Sources inside the house told TMZ Sheen did “several bricks” of the cocaine. Stan Rosenfield, Sheen’s publicist, did not confirm or deny the party reports, saying he couldn’t comment “because I have no idea if it’s true. You choose to believe your source. I don’t.” As for the stomach pains, Extra reports the stomach pain came from an old hernia injury—made worse after Sheen laughed too hard at the TV.